On the cold dark night of November 6th 2007 I came across a witty, funny and some what interesting site called Baby Gaga. I was searching for information on what is and isn't normal during pregnancy since I was then pregnant for the very first time, it was a very much unplanned but wanted pregnancy. I had found out I was pregnant when I had fainted and had been taken to hospital, they ran and pregnancy test and it came back positive, with just the sentence of " Mrs Nollent you're pregnant " my life changed forever. They took me in for a ultrasound to see if they could date the pregnancy since I had no idea on how far along I could be and boy was I in for a bigger shock then finding out I was pregnant, up on the screen we saw not 1 but 2 heartbeats both as strong and fast as each other, in that moment I was in a told trance I was going to become a mother for the first time to two babies. I was super excited. The first thing me and my husband did was go out and buy 2 little pure white outfits. As I had what thought were periods bleeding a few days later was scary but I was told this was normal. Over the next few weeks we got to see our babies grow and found out we were having two little girls. on the 12th of December something just felt off, I kept having pains in my lower back and stomach, we went to the LD and after phoning my midwife and I was put in a room and monitored for a few hours. I was told they were keeping me in over night. The next day I went to the bathroom and I felt a gush of blood. I was rushed for an ultrasound and was told that baby b had no heartbeat and that my placenta was coming away from the wall of my uterus, Placental Abruption was the official cause of death for both my girls. At 12:03pm Émelia was born she was tiny (14.4oz) and just 22 short minuets later her sister Ava (14oz) was born perfect just too soon. We were told that they were fraternal but after the birth discovered that they were identical twins. We laid them to rest together one dressed in pink the other in purple. When you lose a child I think you go one of two ways, you want and need to fill that space or you never want to try, see or hear about a child again. I went the route of needing a child, before the pregnancy I was carefree and the highlights of my week after working my ass of was going out getting drunk with friends and the spending the next day feeling sorry for myself, now all I could think of was a baby, I had a void and it needed filling. My doctor said that I could try went I had stopped bleeding, his words were that " for some couples it helps the grieve ", in truth I never did grieve I threw myself into making another baby, as a woman it was my given right to have a healthy child.! In March we were pregnant and as scared I was I knew this is what I wanted, I was going to be a ' real ' mother. We were given a due date for December 2008, as the weeks were on I was nervous of everything, a cough, cold or if I cut my finger I had the fear of that somehow causing me to lose the baby. As the weeks went by I couldn't relax. I found out I was having a boy, I was over the moon, someone I thought it would be easier to have a boy rather than a girl. We chose the name Zachary, as 21 weeks rolled into 22 weeks I started to relax, this was the point in which my girls were taken away from me. At 23 weeks 4 days I was woken with a wetness, I thought maybe i'd sneezed in the night and let out a little pee, how wrong was I? A little later I felt a gush, it was like
deja vu except this time it was clear. As I lay in the hospital bed I was told that I was ready starting to dilate, at 11:45am on the the 27th of August I was told I was at 10 and time to start to push, with Zachary I was given a little hope 20% chance of survival the doctor had said. at a little after noon my 1lb 1oz boy came into the world silent but alive, he was whisked away and taken to the intensive care, his stats were not looking good but he was hanging in, fighting for his life. At 7pm Zach's doctor came to see us, he told us that he had a massive bleed on his brain and that his chance of making it through the night were slim to none. We made the tough choice to turn his life support off and let out son pass away in his daddy's arms, he passed away at 9:33pm. We laid him to rest in the same grave as his sisters. When we lost our son, I was in a total state, on the outside I was functioning but on the inside I was in a dark place, I never wanted to be pregnant again so after talking it over with my husband I had come to the conclusion of if I was going to be a mother it would be through adoption. In December I was very much shocked to discover that I was pregnant, it was a little over 3 months since our son had passed away so I just shrugged it off as I would just lose this baby too. As days, weeks and months blended into one everyone I had spoken too was excited for me, on the outside I smiled and was like I couldn't wait but deep down I was just filled with dread, I was waiting for something to go wrong, at 15 weeks we were told the baby was a boy so we never questioned this again, Blake would be his name! At 27 weeks at my 3D scan the tech had asked what we were having, I was like a boy, as she was showing us Blake's face, his little feet she let out a little " oh ", not only this send a shiver of alarm through my body, I went into I told you so mode and was reduced to tears in less than the 2 seconds it took for her to tell me the baby way perfect and fine he was just missing his penis! Well the tears of fear turned into tears of joy, it was just a little surprise that we now had to find a new name for our soon to be Princess.As I reached my third trimester something which I had never done before I still could not get into the fact I was about to become a mother, I was just still waiting for something to go wrong. Other than the late joys of morning sickness I would say I had a perfect pregnancy. On July 6th I was sat on facebook as that now was the thing that filled my evenings and I the pains started, I waited a few hours before going in just to make sure that this was it, I was booked for a C section but I really didn't want one. Peyton Faith ( 5lb 6oz ) arrived on July 7th my perfect princess was small but healthy in every way, 10 fingers, 10 toes and a grand pair of lungs on her. My void had been filled I was now content in my life as a mother, so when I found myself expecting again all the old fears and dreads came flooding back. I was again waiting for something to go wrong, weeks went by and I just put my all into raising the daughter I has, I saw no point in getting attached, surely this would end in loss, my daughter was just a fluke and I had just been lucky. As my pregnancy went by it was pretty much the same as Peyton's even down to the cravings of raw garlic, red wine and rare beef sandwiches with half a jar of horseradish. We didn't want to find the gender of this baby out so I was mega pissed off when the tech called the baby her twice during the ultrasound 2 princesses would be perfect, but deep down I wanted a son. When I went for my 3D scan I asked the tech to see what I was having so that I could go and buy more pink for sure. She told me to hold back on the pink and go get myself some little blue items, I was ecstatic, I wanted a boy and that is what I was getting. On the August 30th 2011 Noah Jackson ( 4lb 10oz) was born tiny and yet so perfect.
I am now in a happy and healthy relationship with a awesome man, he has 2 children a boy named Jake and a girl named Tilly both are little sweethearts and I am happy to call them family.