***Please Read This***
I appreciate your attention and your condolences and concern. Please know that I know that any comments are meant only in good ways and only with the best of intentions. The BabyGaga community is helping me to cope.
But please help me by respecting my privacy and waiting for me to bring it up first. I may not want to talk about it right now. Sometimes I'm very angry and I would like to avoid lashing out at people who only mean well. Constant reminders do me no kindness and only harm. I appreciate your help with this.

Again, thank you for you support. It means the world to me.
(The above was added October 22 2009)






Hi ladies.
I haven't been around much, and rarely comment in military spouse threads. Mostly have thought of myself as 'prior military' and 'spouse' instead of 'military spouse'.

Well, that all changed yesterday morning when my mother in law knocked on my door to say that someone was at the door for me. I don't think that she knew, but the second I saw them I did.
There was a Chaplain and an SFC in Class A's.
My husband died in Kuwait on Sunday, two hours after putting his feet on the ground. He was deployed (this time, he had been there during the Gulf War) for less than a day.
Non combat related, under investigation.
I am currently in Dover Delaware waiting for his plane to come in this evening.
Yesterday I was just a wife and mommy.

Now, I'm in total shock. I have been taking care of stuff since the moment I found out. I'm still expecting him to call me and start complaining about how fucked up the Army is, that this is all a big mistake.
I already know quite a bit about the military, having served as a medic in it for two years before I chaptered out for the birth of my daughter. I do have a question that I have yet to find even mentioned anywhere:

What about my daughter who hasn't been born yet?

Dated 11 August 2009


This pic is from June. Daddy and daughter. She was such a daddy's girl.

My daughters and I are doing remarkably well just one month later. I miss my husband and I want him back more than I want to breathe. But that isn't happening. So we are moving past it. I am shocked even now at all of the things Allyn did to prepare us for being without him. I love him and he loves his girls enough to tell us what he wanted me to do in the event that he didn't come home. Not guessing that gives me peace. Knowing what he wanted for us and being around Allyn's family who love him and us makes things much easier for us to live. Every day is hard, but not as hard as it could have been. Allyn took care of us. I love him even more for it now.


Friday, September 11, 2009
Allyn, I need you tonight.

I need my husband, my partner in all things.
My best friend who never tired of hearing me go on and on about the mundane. My friend I shared the best of myself and my life with.
The person who made it okay for me to be okay and who I want to be. I loved the me I was with you. Generally optomistic and happy. You countered all of the demons in my head.
I didn't like the me that you met and somehow fell in love with, and I'm not happy with who I am now.
Nobody has ever known even a fraction of me, until you. I need you. I need your companionship.
I need you to help me. No one will ever be as in love with our girls as us. Theirs is too big of a gift not to share with you. No one will ever appreciate it as much.

I want to go back to Maryland. I want to go back to cooking dinner for the table every night. I want to go back to scrounging for change in the car the day before payday. Back to the snow. Back to you and me and Pink and Toby and Clifford and little miss. I want my life back. I want YOUR life back.

I want to go back to Dennis Kucinich not knowing my name. I want to not get certified mail from the white house and sympathy cards from strangers.

I want you. So badly I can hardly breathe.

10/8/09

I started therepy today. I was totally afraid of the whole idea of it because I've had bad therepy experiences before. It turned out to not be nearly as scarey as I had built it up to bein my mind. I like my doctor, and I'm hoping that the experience stays positive.
I have an OB appointment, so I'm hoping to get good results on the ultrasound and have Miss Piper is above the 10th percentile, which is where she was measuring last time around. Wish me luck!

Everything going okay? You haven't made any new posts lately, and I miss reading them!