I am 30 years old, and have been married for 8 years. This is a 4th pregnancy with my hubby. The funny thing is, we were married for 5 years, used no protection, and nothing. I start taking classes at the local community college, and use protection, and then I get pregnant 4 times in the last 3 years. Go figure....
I have an imcompetent cervix, but we didn't know with Tobias. I woke up at 17 weeks, and my membranes were in my dilated cervix. I was rushed to San Francisco, to a cerclage specialist, who tried to do an emergency cerclage, but my water broke. I went to L&D, and Tobias came out as quietly as he had come in. He weighed 10 oz, and was 7 inches long. 5 short months later, I got pregnant with Eric. We had a cerclage put in at 13 weeks, and everything was fine until my 20w2d checkup. The radiology tech was so rough with examing me that I made her go get the doctor. 2 days later, I was admitted to the hospital to try to get me to at least 24 weeks. My water broke the 3rd day. I was in labor overnight, and they cut the cerclage, and Eric was born sleeping at 21 weeks. He weighed 14 oz, and was 10 inches long. No one can tell me that that tech did not make me go into labor. I wasn't allowed any molestation of the cerclage, yet she went in with the dildo cam, and seriously hurt me. She doesn't work in the office anymore! After losing Eric, we decided to wait for a little while. We bought a house in MD (where I'm from) in May 2008, then lost my dad the same month. We decided to try again. We got pregnant right away (July) , but no embreyo formed. I had to have an emergency D&C in September 2008. NO period, and 12 weeks later (Thanksgiving) we discovered we were pregnant with Clarissa. I had another cerclage put in, and was seen by my perinatologist every 2 weeks. Everything was going good, then my cervix went soft around the cerclage. On March 10, 2009, I went into labor. The doctor got my labor stopped, and placed a "rescue" cerclage in my cervix. They planted me in the hospital to get me to at least 28 weeks. The took me to U/S to check her on the 11th day.The doctor told me that her fluids were down, but that the anti-cramp meds caused that, so they took me off, and I went into labor that night. My water broke the next morning. SUCH PAIN! I had to go the OR to remove the stitches. Clarissa came out with the second stitch. She exhaled when they handed her to me, then she was gone, at 20w2d. She weighed 9 oz, and was 11 inches long. The boys were identical, and looked just like my DH, down to the cleft in their chins. Clarissa looked like me, but she had her daddy in her, too 
My angel babies:
Baby, 11 weeks, 03/99 <~empty sac after losing embreyo
Tobias Walter, 17 weeks, 12/22/06
Eric Joel, 21 weeks, 09/13/07
Pregnant, 7 weeks, 07/08 <~empty sac
Clarissa Michelle, 20 weeks 2days, 03/21/09.
5 pregnancies, and yet I am still broken. 

" />
" />
" /> Updated 4/13/09
I am sitting here, and I am trying to put a name to the emotions that roll through me at any given time. The need to be a mom is like a rolling river, boiling in me just below the service. I have been a believer all my life, yet since we lost Clarissa 3 weeks ago, I am having a hard time praying. I lay down at night, and I try and try, but the words or the feelings just don't come. I don't feel like I have the heart to do it.

I had my first suicidal thought, EVER, the other day. My DH had went to traffic school, and as I layed in bed, I started to do a mental inventory of all the pills in the house. I was thinking how nice it would be to just take some pills, go to sleep, and never wake up. There are several problems with that train of thinking, however. First, suicide is the one sin you can never ask for forgiveness for. Second, I know that if I did take my life that I would never see my beautiful babies again, and I can't even bear the thought. And third, well, the truth is, I am just too nosey and I don't want to miss a thing!

I just feel like an empty shell with a broken heart. My bff called me the other day, and told me flat out that she was not calling to tell me she was sorry. She was calling to ask me how many pieces I needed her to help me pick up. And that is why I love her. I have never been the one who feels sorry for herself. I have a WONDERFUL husband, and I come from a very loving family. I am the one others come to for that chuck the arm when it is most needed. So now why do I feel like I am a plague? The look of pity on people's faces....it is like they are afraid that my misfortune will rub off on them if I should happen to get too close.

But anyway~ what else about me? Oh, yes! I will talk your ear off, but can listen with both of mine. I hug you with both arms, and have 2 equally big shoulders for anyone to lean on. I can laugh and cry with you, and am notorious for makingYOU do both! I am like others on here, I hate fake people, people whose smiles never reach their eyes, women who use abortion as a form of birth control, and teenagers who think babies are accessories, yet aren't educated enough to be able to spell gynecologist if their lives depended on it! Instead of opening their legs, why don't they open a book?? I am a total sweetheart, who happens at the moment to have a broken heart...if you are willing to pick up pieces, give me a holler. If you have any questions, or need a friend, I'm your girl!  I promise that I won't always have the right words, but if you need to cry, I will help you do just that.

You know,
I thought the same when my two kids passed. But its good, god needed them for sumthing right. Just know gods with you every step of the way, suicide wow ive thought of that plenty of times! Its not as easy as you think lol. Watchin sum1 else actually die from it, they dnt look happy thank god she was brought back into my life tho lol. && God obviously put into your head its not good, so im glad to say god blessed u with another beautiful day, no matter how sad the day is tomorrow shudnt be as rainy!