I'm married to the love of my life, we have a beautiful son! His name is Cain Walker born January 21, 2009, he was 8 lbs 2.5 oz and 21 inches long..Cain is my little rockstar, super hero and the apple of my eye. We also just brought a beautiful girl into this world. Her name is Alexis Rayne, born November 30th, 2012, she was 7 lbs and 9 oz and 20 inches long. She makes our family complete, we now have the perfect family, we have prince and princess. Cain is an amazing big brother, he loves his baby sister Alexis. He has to be right there if he hears her whimper or start to cry, he has to hold her a minimum of 10 minutes a day. Cain is for sure the perfect protector!
Our little family:
Our perfect children, Cain and Alexis
Our Amazing daughter Alexis:
My amazing son Cain
The 3 loves of my life:
This is a little more about my past:
Someone I know has pretty much inspired me to "vent" or let out some of the things that I have been through. No she hasn't personally told me "hey just talk to people about it or post it, you will feel better." as far as I know she don't know. But she is super strong and no, I have not been through as much as her but I feel like I too can just give it a shot and release some of the pent up issues that I have. So here it is, a little about my life that 90% of the people in my life don't know about.
My mother used to date a man, who currently lives within 50 miles of my home, and he was extremely abusive. She met him when I was in, oh i dont really remember, I think it was 1st or 2nd grade. He would become abusive and upset over little things. Once I remember he had gotten upset about my mother not cooking chicken, and she cooked chilli instead. It was storming that night, raining, thunder all that stuff. She and I spent the day together shopping for household supplies and decor, while he spent the day at work and in the bar. I remember this as if it happened just last night. He came home and realized that chilli was being made and asked her where the chicken was, and she replied in the freezer because you had told me that you wanted chilli. He flipped out and while he was at the bar he had changed his choice of supper and failed to tell my mom this. He grabbed the pan and flung it across the kitchen. He went after her, I got scared and just kept screaming "dont hurt my mommy" then he came after me, backhanded me so hard i flew across the kitchen floor and hurt my back on the wall. I had instant blackened eyes and one giant bruise all down my back. my mother had suffered a broken nose, black eye and other injuries. He wouldnt let us leave and tore out all the phone lines. he calmed down after an hour or so of beatings, I crawled into my room and my mom followed thinking we would just stay in my room well he dragged my mom into bed with him and raped her. after a few hours I woke up bawling in pain, and in fear because of him, and the thunder made it sound like a tree collapsed right next to my room so i went to lay in bed with her. she got up to get something to drink, and he proceeded to tell me that i was a whore like my mom and molested me. That was the only time he had done that to me but he had beaten both of us multiple times. I got placed into temporary foster care, got released once she was able to get away from him. However this continued to happen from when she first met him until I was in about 7th or 8th grade. All of those years seem to just blur together besides the clear fun times away from him. He spent 3 years in prison, I never told anyone about the molestation until I was 17. He served his time when I turned 16ish. No body knew anything.
Because of all the moving around we did due to his actions, it was hard for me to make friends in school so I used to get made fun of alot for being the small quiet shy girl. That has all changed!!!
Don't get me wrong I have had some absolutely amazing times in my life. Such as I remember being the flower girl for my wonderful sister's first wedding. Working with children with special needs at an afterschool program. Thinking I found the love of my life in high school. Not actually dating him until I was 18 and he enter the national guard! Found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after he committed suicide. I didn't know what was going on, because we had plans of hanging out with a cousin of mine and her family and he never showed up, never answered his phone and just went missing. A week after he went missing, a friend of mine's mother passed away, I signed up for the national guard, and then a week later his body was found. A few days later I went to Des Moines for testing and got denied due to being pregnant... I had no idea that I was pregnant! I was scared, the babies dad was gone, I was alone, all I had was my mom and my one best friend. I didn't think it was going to work out because the day they found his body I decided to get drunk and drugged up. horrible idea I know but at the time I felt better. I ended up having a miscarriage right before my 11 week check up. Moved to a different city but still not to far away from my old town. Almost a year later I met my now husband. We started dating and a month later I got knocked up! We found out on mother's day. and a few weeks later I was supposed to be due with my first child. That was a horrible day for me, woke up bawling with nightmares. The second pregnancy ended up being a great one, no morning sickness just gained 60ish lbs!!! My husband and I have been through some rough times, split up, got back together and then some lol. We eventually randomly to get married dec 23rd 2011. one month after i graduated college, exactly 1 year and 4 days after he found his mother dead on the living room couch of her home. it was a small, J.P. wedding of just a few of his family members and a small amount of mine and our wonderful healthy son. That september I suffered a second misscarriage. I was due april 1st, once again it happened a short time before my 11week check up. And now I am pregnant for technically the 4th time. It sounds crazy being pregnant 4 different time between the ages of 18 and 25. (if all continues to be well I will be 25 when this one is born). That makes me kind of think of myself as a bad person. but each time was with someone very special to me. (2nd,3rd, and this one is all with my husband, and first with my first love). That september after the miscarriage I was diagnosed with "personality disorder" and being manic depressive. I have been "manic depressive" since I was about 13. I always thought I was a horrible person because of my past. But now that I'm older, I realize that hell I'm not a horrible person, I'm not the one who did that to people I was supposed to love, I was a victim. I am a stronger person now, I still dont have all too many friends but that had always varied depending on my choice of guy I chose to have a relationship with throughout my teen years and so on. I have also been in an abusive relationship from the time I was 15-17. Now he wasn't actually my first love but I think I was in love with the idea of him. when I was younger he was my "babysitter's" older brother lol. our relationship was on and off for months at a time until one time he broke something of my grandfather's that my grandfather gave me before passing away... And telling me he was gonna beat me. I just ignored him after telling him he was a piece of shit then suddenly woke up to being pushed out of bed. I guess I was the one who beat him. I did it while I was sleeping! He had to go to work the next morning with a fat lip and black eye. That day I packed my crap and left him for good.
Some of you may wonder why I am so descriptive with these parts of my past. For me, this is making me feel better. Just knowing that I am living proof that you may have some extremely rough spots in your life but you can always get through it.
I currently can not take the medicine for my "personality disorder" due to being pregnant so I need some type of release of emotions. I have had days in the past where I thought about taking my life and how I would be better off. But then I have always came to realize that I would be hurting so many other people if I did that. Yeah their pain may only be temporary while as my mother's and families would be for longer. Depression runs in my family. If I were to do that, then my mom would follow suite. She would not be able to handle the pain.
As of my life recently?!? OMG it has gotten so much better. I still have my good days and bad. of course everyone does. I am in the process of teaching myself how to control my anger and nerves a little bit better while I am pregnant and cant rely on my meds. So far so good and absolutely no horrible thoughts. Someone recently told me "why make such a permanent decision for something temporary?" so everytime I have thought about stupid stuff I remind myself of that question and think of my family. My son needs me more than anyone. His fater needs me more than anyone. I litterally am the only one who keeps my son's father, my husband, sane. When we were split up he became an alcoholic and lots a bunch of weight and just didnt care but was still sober while my son was on visits. while we are together he is usually happy unless something is bothering him. Like right now he is fearing for his job.
My life isnt all that bad I suppose. I know that some people have had way worse, and that will keep me going. I am here for the long haul. I am not religous by any means but I'm here until its really my time to go and even then I'm gonna fight for it. I have grown up to be determined and bypass whatever has got me down. I am used to running away from my issues and pretending to be happy. Now that I'm early-mid 20's and actually have true happiness, there is nothing in the world that I would do to mess it up, and nothing in the world that will keep me from continuing this feeling. Happiness is my new drug of choice. I have a family, a growing family at that. A grown man, my little man and our little one still growing, that all depend on me to be the best I can be. I may let some little things get to me, but I am not going to let them destroy me or get the best of me.
Yes depression is a disease, but just like any other disease I want to say "kiss my ass" to it. My grandmother passed away due to breast cancer, my grandfather had a heart attack/stroke. My late mother-in-law I cant even describe what happened with her. But they all fought, they didn't want to give up, so I'm not going to give up either.
I hope this will help open some eyes. I am open to talk to people in messages or whatever it may be. Just writting this makes me feel better already, just knowing that, "there I finally put my "past" out there for everyone else to read or look at" It was hard, but I did it.
I can't wait to update you all with what happens with this child. I'm hoping for a healthy pregnancy in general and kinda pushin for a girl lol. Hubby don't care as long as it is healthy and born on time.